| Part 1 covers the beginning of my lesbian relationship with my then, girlfriend. I also wrote about her announcement that she felt like a male on the inside; and the very beginning of his transition. | Part 3 covers the painful questioning of my sexual identity; there are more questions then there are answers. |
I had already experienced the torment of coming out gay, and, as a result, had already made the necessary transformation. But I knew this transformation would be like no other. I knew a major transformation was in store for both him and I.
It didn’t take but a few moments before I knew deep in my heart that in order for him to be happy he needed to be true to himself. He said that his goal - no, his lifelong dream - was to transform the outside to match what he felt inside. Is this not the right of every living, feeling, breathing human being?? I wanted him to love himself and love his body in a way he'd never been able to before.
His transformation had begun long before he even hinted at the notion that he saw himself as male. But now - now I heard that exhilaration in his voice as he laid down the stepping stones of the journey he was embarking on. His face was lit with joy. And perhaps the three things that I remember most: 1) The paper he was waving around that signaled the official changing of his name, 2) The cracking in his voice when he received his new drivers license in the mail that now identified him as male, and 3) The glisten in his eyes as he injected himself with testosterone for the first time! Throughout our entire relationship he took care of me (even though I was supposed to be the older more mature one), but for once, this compassionate, forgiving, loving person did something for himself.
He was my soul mate and I wanted him to be the most fabulous person he could be; and being fabulous means to move beyond just existing. Knowing all too well the pains of being a closeted lesbian, I could neither accept or expect him to continue to be here on earth for the sake of being here - simply continuing to exist in this designated female body of his in order to appease me, his family, his friends, and society at large.
He knew the journey he was on would lead to the daily difficulties involved when functioning in society as a transgendered person with all the stigmatization and marginalization. So why would he actively choose to transition? The answer was quite simple. It is what he had to do. For him to be able to lead a full productive life and pursue happiness he had to be able to express himself in a manner congruent with how he saw himself. Denial of something so basic as self identity is not only unhealthy but necessary.
His transition was one that took no time at all before I could accept it, mine on the other hand, well, left me on an emotional roller coaster, in a mental quandary, and in a perpetual state riddled with uncertainty.
Aslongasitstranslatedcorrectly,
~ SoACTing
I find that accepting people I love, as they are, is always easier than accepting myself. Even things as simple as admitting it will take a lot longer than I hoped, to heal from surgery, was harder than accepting my husband's needs after he had surgery. I am sure some of that comes from being an incest survivor who is constantly evaluating my care taking tendencies.
ReplyDeleteAm I choosing to do this because I want to, or am I doing this because I think it is expected of me? I don't always like the answers. If I don't ask, I won't know. If I don't know, then I can't change.